The theme tonight was Sanity, and we began with stating these:
- Earnestly believe that God exists
- I matter to God
- He has the power to help me recover
These were my ponderings and thoughts throughout tonight's lesson:
What are we going to talk about?What am I recovering from?
I write:
The belief that I don't matter. The belief that I am not good. The belief there is something wrong with me. The belief that I am bad. The belief that I need to prove my value and worth. My behaviors because of these beliefs have included self-loathing, seeking/grasping for approval [desperate, reliant]; avoiding/hiding/lying/manipulating others' idea of me so that I am not rejected.
I have not found relief of any measure outside of realizing my reality and identity in Christ. I have experienced and comprehended things that do not make sense in my encounter with this natural world. How can I believe that I matter to God? Only God. How can I earnestly believe that God exists? Only God. How do I know and trust that God is the only one who has the power to help me recover? Only God - not whatsoever in my strength - all that was required was for my confession, contrition; to experience and comprehend that the reality is I do not have the power, the reality is I am not in control; the reality is I gain new life through faith. It is not required to have perfect faith. It is not realistic. Only God. Only God sows the unbelief into belief. He sows distrust into trust. He sows the self-loathing into life-abundant reflection. Only God created the springtime after winter, and the silent bursting forth of fragile and resilient courage and color after months and months of what seemed to be a lifeless winter. How can I believe that is true without knowing God does the same for me?
He did and does.
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