March 15

 

On Thursday I listened to Blurry Creature's episode with John Eldredge "Defeating Darkness" and was enormously moved by it. I sent it to my mom, and mentioned how she and my dad gifted me Stasi Eldredge's book Becoming You when I turned 18. I got it down from the cabinet upstairs and sent a photo to my mom. I began reading it yesterday evening while Nate watched Oblivion. It was a profound experience 

involving praying meditatively into past experiences for Jesus to heal them. I cried and prayed and eventually fell asleep. I've also been reading The Boys in the Boat right before I fall asleep, along with the Psalm and Proverb of the day and a poem or two from a book I picked up from the library. My favorite one is In Praise of Mystery: A Poem For Europa by Ada Limon. 

This morning I wanted a latte. 

I woke up and read the Psalm and Proverb of the day, then took a shower and walked to Paramour for a coffee. Within me, at the center of my chest, I argued with the notion not to get one. The voice is small and I am big and marched to the coffee. I stood inside and was not greeted for what may have been ten minutes. I scanned the prices of the drinks and the $6 in my hand and realized I would not be satisfied with anything from there. It was not my willpower that walked me out of there but I obeyed, and went for a stroll for 10 minutes before going to work. I told God that I wanted a coffee but that I would obey. These things sound crazy to someone not in conversation with God. It is not lost on me nor was it this morning, but there is a purpose for me recounting it now and evidence in my spirit that God communes with us.

I get to work and begin our Saturday morning task of vacuuming. One of the pharmacy technicians spoke harshly with me this week and I sloughed it off but now it feels like a burn on my skin. I dissected my emotions, and they were not loving. I offered it to God. The Enemy of our souls and being has been fiercely hating women since the beginning, and that has crept up in every creature. O myself included. I offered it to God. She makes me nervous to be around and sick to think of the ways I have behaved toward others that would make them feel that way in the past. Lord. 

All is well. 

As I am winding up the cord for the vacuum in the solitude of the back room, I pray to God that He would show me how He loves me. I know You love me, please show me Your love while I'm here today. I return the vacuum and clean the bathrooms. 

Eventually I make my way back to the front. My coworker is drinking an iced coffee and I comment how I went to get a coffee this morning but was disappointed and left. 

She asked if I would like her to make me a coffee with the pods she bought. "They're Tim Hortons." 

She is very proud of this because it feels exclusive to her. 

I quoted a bit from a sermon recounting the blind men begging Jesus to heal them [Jesus you don't know me and you don't owe me but would you do me this kindness?]

"If you are willing to do me this kindness, I would be so grateful - thank you"

Her soul responded to this task. 

She comes back several minutes later and says that the coffee and sugar are on the back table and I walk back. 

Yes, to the room I prayed that God would show His love to me this day. 

I took the cup and welcomed the aroma and trembled and sipped because the memories of going to Tim Hortons with my sweet mumma and my sweet sisters and brother and daddy well up in my heart and in my eyes and I begin to cry of overflowing love. 

O that the Lord would do me this kindness through my coworker. 

I recover and make myself presentable and return with the cup to the front.

"How is it?" 

I hold in my overwhelm and give her a tender thumbs up. 

"Did it make you cry?"

"Do I look like I was crying?"

"Kind of, yeah"

I am able to share tenderly this story with her that it reminds me of going to Tim Hortons with my mom. And it is so far away, and the coffee reminds me so much of it. 

She is moved and says that she is glad she could do that for me. 

We then chat about these types of things. 

Psalm 15

A psalm of David. 

LORD, who may dwell in your sacred tent?

Who may live on your holy mountain?

The one whose walk is blameless, who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from their heart; 

whose tongue utters no slander, who does no wrong to a neighbor, 

and casts no slur on others;

who despises a vile person 

but honors those who fear the LORD; 

who keeps an oath even when it hurts,

and does not change their mind;

who lends money to the poor without interest;

who does not accept a bribe against the innocent.

Whoever does these things will never be shaken.